The Arbitor Speaks his mind

Todd's busy.
This sucks.
I'm cold and I want more crickets.

The Beautiful and the Damned

Is there a better time to start posting again than after a party? I think not.

I recently turned 31 years old and my beautiful wife threw a James Bond themed party in honor of me. This was my type of party...there were many attractive people drinking martinis, dressed in their finest and playing with weapons.

Surprisingly, no one got hurt. Normally there are accidents and bleeding when there is a gathering of this magnitude of the too much fun club. However, in spite (or perhaps because of) the large quantities of gin imbibed, violence was kept too a minimum. There was a scary moment when all of the villains decided to gang up on James Bond, but the bad guys were not trained by her Majesties special forces. And so once again James Bond prevailed over the forces of goodness and got the girl(s).

truly the greatest generation

In searching the news yesterday (or maybe the day before I really don't remember(...I drink a lot.)) I discovered this incredible story about Venus Ramey. For those of you that don't remember, she was the very first Miss America. This was like in 1944 or something and then she was on painted onto the bombers in WWII.

This chick is in the news again.

Recently, people have been robbing her farm of the farming antiques that she keeps there. On Friday the 13 she discovered the perpetrator. One of her dogs was barking at the barn where she keeps the antiques and she went to investigate. She discovered a man there who said that he was just leaving. She replied "oh no you're not." and this is the important part...balancing on her walker she pulled out her snub nosed .38 and shot out his tires so that he couldn't leave until the police arrived. I think this woman is this weeks hero of the week.

read the full article here.

truly the greatest generation

In searching the news yesterday (or maybe the day before I really don't remember(...I drink a lot.)) I discovered this incredible story about Venus Ramey. For those of you that don't remember, she was the very first Miss America. This was like in 1944 or something and then she was on painted onto the bombers in WWII.

This chick is in the news again.

Recently, people have been robbing her farm of the farming antiques that she keeps there. On Friday the 13 she discovered the perpetrator. One of her dogs was barking at the barn where she keeps the antiques and she went to investigate. She discovered a man there who said that he was just leaving. She replied "oh no you're not." and this is the important part...balancing on her walker she pulled out her snub nosed .38 and shot out his tires so that he couldn't leave until the police arrived. I think this woman is this weeks hero of the week.

read the full article

here.

Our Trip to Calfornia

Hey my name is Tanner and I am Todd's brother this is my first blog. Our trip to California was sweet on Saturday we went to go shopping at the alley where everyone was screaming 5 dolla everthing 5 dolla. But it was bearable once we went to Olvera street because they were doing the blessing of your animals party or somthing. On Sunday we went hiking and got lost and were about half an hour from staying the night in the woods. But then we found the right path and slid down about 40 feet down lose rock to get to it but we made it back. On Monday we went to Venice and Santa Monica which was cool to see all of the street preformers. On Tuesday we went to Malibu to go hike and watch the dolphins which was really fun. On Wednesday we came home and now I can not wait to go back again.

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Six Degrees of Dr. K

Hello True Believers (thanx Stan).

I have, today only, come upon the ultimate secret to our existence. And here it is.

...

We are all deeply involved in a solipsist nightmare in the head of Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

Cool Huh?

The long and short of it is that on the floor of the California senate is a bill that, if passed, would allow hospitals to give terminally ill patients a device called something like,"The painless Choice." The name may not be exactly right but I am going to find the link and put it at the end of this blog for those of you that would like to check my facts. The point is that this is a bill for the legalization of euthanasia.

Correct me if I'm wrong here...

Didn't DR. JACK KEVORKIAN go to jail on May 26, 1999 for exactly that same thing? And is this man, A doctor of the Good Deaths (it's Greek people, look it up,) still in jail with Hep c, and awaiting a parole? The answer is a resounding, YES!!!!

This is ridiculous.

The fact that Dr. K went to Jail in the first place for merely helping people who couldn't help themselves ridiculous, but that the law is on the brink of being passed and he is still in jail so far beyond crazy that it makes me wonder if this is still America or not, much less a reality designed wholly for the torment of one man. It is for these reasons that I now must post a very serious question to you, the faithful reader: Are you within Dr. Kevorkian's 6 degrees of separation? If you are not, please leave a comment on this blog.

No one should have replied to that. You see: the six degrees of separation encompasses

everyone, so we all effect each other, ergo we all effect Dr. K.
If we all effect Dr. Jack, then we are all important to him. And since we all are important to him, then he must be making us all up. Further more, it is all obviously just for the torment of Dr K., therefore he has invented this world as a torment for some Sin he has committed in his past.

Now that we know this, and that our creator will forgive us because we are only doing what he wants, everyone should fuck with Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
Really.
The more you fuck with him, the more he will reward you, it's like the other God, but opposite.
If you are successful in pissing him off, than maybe he will take you into the next world he creates and in that world you will have a role like president, or movie star, or Todd Elliott.

And now...the link:

The Bill

That is a PDF file, download adobe and you should be fine.

There's a Paralell beteween a Martini and a Woman's Breasts

One is not enough and three are too many.

I hate working like I do. The main issue is money. It always comes down to money. A person can say they want freedom and choice and opportunity and whatever, but all of those things are contingent upon money. Or will at least be greatly facilitated by having it. I get paid minimum wage to be treated like shit by people who believe that they are better than me because they are over paying for over roasted coffee. This is not to say that I didn't fully expect this when I signed up for this ride, I just honestly thought that management would not kowtow to the all mighty dollar and have a slight sense of fairness and propriety.

I was Wrong.

My work environment is so distasteful to me that I have taken to self medication before hand, just so that I can see my shift through to the end with out taking a hostage. Unfortunately tonight I had a Martini, and as you can tell from the title and opening line of this blog, one martini is never enough. So with a friendly little buzz on I drove to work.

I arrived at the Barnes and Nobles with a smile on my face for my co-workers and fellow sufferers of the Starbucks system and jumped onto the register. The very first customer who stepped up to the counter said, "Caramel Machiato...extra hot." not even a how do you do. I was not about to let this guy ruin my mood so I replied, "only if you say please," and grinned. He stared at me for a moment and stormed off. I thought nothing of it until later this evening when I was approached by the manager who said to me, "Todd, we've had a complaint about you tonight." I immediately remembered this shitty little man and his lack of manners, so I said, "yes?" My manager proceeded to talk to me about customer service and what it means to be part of the Barnes and Nobles Team. I explained that I didn't think it was a problem to expect our customers to be polite to us and not treat us like automatons and slaves. My manager told me that the customer was paying for a drink and a service and they could behave how they wanted within reason. I then explained to my manger that it does not amount of good to a society to allow people to pay for something and pretend that that gives them the right to miss-treat their fellow man. Granted may be a tad reactionary and over dramatic, but if common courtesy can be left out for a price, how long till the customer is permitted to use violence. My manger did not agree with me because it is store policy that the customer, no matter how much of an ass hole, is always right and I can do nothing about it.

I did not get fired, I did not quit I didn't even get a write up, I got a simple reprimand. But I am outraged. If I didn't so badly need this job and the measly paycheck that I bring home each week, it would have been another story.

This anecdote however, must remain as an object lesson: A faceless corporation that only cares about the bottom line, and not about the soul of the people that it relies upon to deliver the goods and services to create that bottom line, does not serve society or the individual and will be the first to go when I run this place.

A Guilty Pleasure and Something Extra

The Guilty Pleasure:

This may seem like the wrong blog for this, but I have a confession. I am not apologizing, and I really don't feel the need to explain myself, however, I need to tell y'all that I thoroughly enjoy Justin Timberlake's new album.
The thing is...it's really good. Really.
He has matured musically and his lyrics no longer sound like bad high school movie dialogue. I recommend that every go and check it.

No onto something more:

Why does every single person in California want more than they pay for?
Every single person that comes up to the counter at the cafe says something along the lines of, "Can I have extra Ice?" or, "I need that extra hot." or "I'll take three shots of white mocha, one of chai, 6 squirts of vanilla, one shot decaf espresso, one shot regular, non-fat soy latte, with whip."
I have worked retail for many years, and yes, almost everyone is rude to the cashier, but what I mean is that Los Angelinos are the most demanding. They are very particular about the order. But what's funny is that they are less concerned with what they actually get then how they word it to you.
My personal belief is that LA is full over nobodies believing that they are somebodies. These wannabes need to convince everyone that they are big...even themselves. They are frustrated in life and so to prove that they have some power and haven't completely wasted their lives, they take that frustration out on cashiers and barristas, because we are definitely not somebodies........yet.

Lobster

You know whats not fun?

Budgeting.

I decided that I was not living and spending the way that I should, and I came to this realization when I was served with papers twice in the same day. The first saying that I was being sued by Ford Credit for a repossessed car and the second saying that I was being sued by the government for back taxes.

A normal person would have reeled from this shock and panicked. I went to a movie premiere with my wife. I did say that budgeting isn't fun, and the premiere was an invitation from my friends at Lucine Distribution and Blue Flower Productions called "The Child Within." This was an interesting movie, and I think still in it's rough cut stages, but it seems to have a lot of potential, and besides getting to wine and schmooze with industry people is always fun.
The film is about an eastern European girls who is tricked into coming to the US and is bought and sold in a human trafficking ring and how she fights back.

I need to at this point explain to you folks that the reason that I have not posted any pictures for a while is because I have had a bum computer and have been unable to post photos top the internet.

My loving brother, KOTWF, and president of the Marietta Branch of the Too Much Fun Club has graciously mailed me a new used machine so that I may get to the photos that you all want to see.

So, with out further ado (I always wanted to say that), I leave you all with some fun photos.

Christmas Eve on the Beach

Getting ready to go out on New Years Eve

Santa Likes Remy

Rachel Ray Hosts a Caviar Dinner

The Arbiter Weighs In

out of date celebrities and reluctant icons

Howdy Friends, I know that it's been awhile since any of us have posted with the club, but I'm trying again, so bite it. I have been working at the Barnes and Nobles Starbuck's cafe, and haven't been having that much fun, ergo, I haven't written for a while. But I am now making a genuine effort to post again, regardless of the fun had or not.
The fact is that I live in LA and, as you would expect, there are the occasional celebrity sightings. You become used to it and seeing a celebrity in an un-glamorous situation is not really interesting. Tonight, however, something interesting happened at the cafe. An older gentleman has been coming in every night for the past 3 weeks. He seems in good shape and his hair, which he wears long, and his beard are both white. Every day he comes in and takes a table in the corner, orders "Hot Cinnamon Sunset" tea, puts on some headphones and plays chess for like 6 or 8 hours. Today I asked him if we was winning and he said, "I always win when I play." My reply was something along the lines of, "cool. Who are you, Bobby Fischer?" He flashed an uncomfortable smile and said "can I have my tea please." I replied, "Holy Shit you are Bobby Fischer. Teach me to play." The man smiled again, took his tea, went back to his table and packed it all up and left in a hurry.
I don't think that what I did was too out of line, but then I remembered that Bobby Fischer is crazy. He hates people and celebrity. He is a crazy hermit living out in Pomona, so my approaching him undoubtedly made him uncomfortable. I kinda feel bad about the situation, and I hope he was not scared off permanently, I would like his auto-graph.
Now I know what you are thinking. You're saying too your self, "Now wait a minute, an autograph from an ancient chess master doesn't sound like too much fun. What club is this for?" And the only reply that I have is: if you have been paying attention you would understand that I am of at least two minds about most every aspect of life, and you would understand that, mentally, Bobby Fischer could kick my ass.

Physical Phitness and a love of Drink

I don't understand why two things need to be completely, mutually, exclusive. I have a great desire to be healthy. I would like to live a long time and bare (bear) many children and live see if all my predictions for the year 2118 come true and son on and so forth. But I love to drink and smoke and indulge in acts of physical pleasure that most bone saws (that would be Doctor to all you people who respect the profession) would frown upon. I am not currently unhealthy, but I do have a tendency towards imbibment and I am afraid that in the future this will affect me.

In retrospect (or current spect I guess) this is kind of a silly topic for tonight's rant, but the fact of the mater is I am bored, It is 2 of the clock in the morning and I don't want to sleep. I have bourbon, my book on Teddy Roosevelt (which is very good, it won the Pulitzer) and a computer, so I am bitching and showing an affinity for run-on sentences and comma splices. So I will go on to a different issue.

Book Collecting.

I, Todd (which is a Scotch Gaelic word meaning fox and the Spanish word for fox is Zorro, therefore I am Zorro) am a geek. This is a sad realisation I came to recently. It is true I make the best Martini you have ever tasted and it is true that I can seduce any woman I meet (if I try and/or really care to) I can out box, out drink and out fuck any person that you know, but I am a geek. I love almost nothing more than to sit quietly with a good book and relax with my wife. I have and extensive collection of Hemingway, Kipling and Hunter Thompson novels (first or second editions) and I can argue the finer points of Todd McFarland's career at Marvel comics with anyone I meet.

This seems to tie into my whole problem with dichotomy (thank God for spell check). How is it possible that 2 things that are so different can exist inside of one person or one idea. The only logical answer is that I am in fact one with the cosmos and will exist forever.

Don't worry, I'm already deciding what to drink at your funeral.

So I'm a six...

I took an enneagram test today after work, and it said I was a six. I am the loyal skeptic. This makes some sense to me but it seems to be inherently an oxymoron. Which also makes sense to me. Basically this means that I am loyal, almost to a fault, of my friends and family, but I will almost always question authority and am a basic anarchist. I work hard and try to help others, but I thrive on the edge of chaos. I am my own worst enemy. It also claims that I come from parents that are alcoholic and send mixed signals and that I may not always know how to relate to them (how the fuck did it know that) but I will be loyal to them to the end.

This is all fine and good, the truly weird part of this test is that it is only 2 questions and it got pretty deep into how I am. Am I really that shallow and predictable? What about variations? What about the fact that I am a 24 karat manic depressive and change my mind about life almost daily? This is very strange. However, if you would like to take this test, you can link to it

HERE.

A Certified Case of Ivory Abuse

There is nothing a piano likes more than to be abused. I love a piano. This is true and I will tickle the ivories all night long. I will stroke them and touch them lovingly and bring the melody forward. However, there is nothing those 88 keys like more than to be abused. A good session is one where at the end of it your knees are skinned up and there are blood stains on the ebony. A piano is magic and it is an animal and you must learn to love it and live as one with this Ivory toothed monster...and when you do, it will fulfill you.

Really don't mind if you sit this one out

I have broken the cardinal rule of the Too Much Fun Club. I am not having any fun. I know that this is an expected occurrence in a tumultuous life, however I don't really enjoy it when it happens. The fact of the matter is I love my Wife and I love my life, unfortunately right now I am so focused on surviving that the living part of life is not happening. It's true I drink more than I should, and I laugh every single day, but I work. I work a lot. Yes, you are saying, everyone works. But here is the problem. I am working an opposite schedule from my beautiful wife whom I adore and love with all of my heart. And I don't have anytime to enjoy that which I am working for. I understand the principle of working for another day and I am very fine with this, however, It is not fun. AND I have not had the kind of adventures that you people are expecting me to have. The adventures that would fit nicely under a heading in the Too Much Fun Posts. I'm just Bitching. and I'm Sorry. 'Nuff Said.

People say I'm a drinker...but I'm sober half the time

Me: Do you know who Credence Clearwater Revival are?
Flash (A girl I work with): Are they like the backstreet boys?

This is a true to life transcription of a conversation I had with at work tonight. I was truly aghast. Here I was, trying to bring the gift of music to the masses and introduce them (albeit slowly) to the ways of Too Much Fun, and I was confronted with ignorance. You see, I had just purchased the new album by Jerry Lee Lewis, entitled "Last Man Standing," and I was playing it in the kitchen. One of the songs performed on this disc is "Travelling Band," originally by CCR. I was explaining to my co-workers (all infants by the way) about the history of Rock and Roll and Jerry Lee's importance as well as others in shaping that history. It truly makes me weep that kids today have no idea who these people are or what they did for music. I'm not disparaging today's rockers, there are many current bands that I enjoy, but I also firmly believe that those that did it first need to be recognized and appreciated. If it weren't for Jerry Lee Lewis, there would be no Rolling Stones, If no Rolling Stones than no Led Zeppelin, If no Zeppelin than no Sex Pistols, If no Pistols, no Green Day, Etc ad infinitum. These are the folk that forged the music we enjoy today and they were and are truly groundbreaking. On "Last Man Standing," (A fine disk that everyone should give a listen to) Jerry Lee even does a duet with Kid Rock. Talk about fantastic stuff.

I thank God every day that I was raised in an environment that allowed me the experiences that I have had, and too learn about stuff that isn't force fed to us by the media. In short I am believe that I am one of the last free thinkers to walk this world. I don't like something just because it is "underground" nor do I accept what a magazine tells me is good. I make up my own mind after my own experiences...and then I accept the consequences, but no matter what I know that I have made that choice and that there is no-one to blame but me and me alone. I attempt to broaden minds as I go along, I do not reject things that are "corporate", (unless it that thing truly is bad, then I will reject it with all the strength of my being, like those fucking cucumbers(some day cucumbers, someday, I will destroy you all)) But I also appreciate the things that are independent. Aren't we all trying to be independent ourselves?

Some days I feel that I should just give up and let the youth of today suffer in their ignorance, but then I consider the artists that go un-admired.

An artist without an audience is just masturbating.

The 2006 Holiday Season

This years New Year's eve was one of the most fun I can remember in recent history, in spite of the down side, of which there is always at least one. First of all, I worked on New Year's Eve. I am a barrista, as you should know if you have been faithfully reading the blogs of this justified sinner and party boy (at least as faithful as I have been in publishing). Fortunately we closed the bookstore and therefore the coffee shop at 6:00, which means I was able to get out of that place by 7:00. I was not completely caught unprepared for the festivities however, and as such I brought three flasks to work with me filled respectively with Scotch, Vodka and Irish Cream. These ibibements were enough to help those faithful workers among us get through the evening of inanities at the coffee shop with out taking a hostage.
When the Tank and I got home after work we showered and cleaned up and dressed in our best and were to paint the town a lovely blood red to go with the eyes. Myself, the Tank, The Sharkman and Mr. Sober left our apartment at around 8:00 looking for diversion. Unfortunately the first joint we visited would not let us in. We looked great but unfotunately we over-looked the fact that we needed a reservation to get into the "Tempe Piano Bar" on Ventura. I am ashamed to admit that at this point I panicked. My internal organs function only with a perfectly tuned balance of Lust, Gin, Violence and sea-food and I was afraid I would be thrown off my groove. Luckily just down the street from the Tempe is a great little joint called "Marmalade Cafe," and they always let me in. Parking on the other hand turned out to be an issue. Resorting to desperation I jumped out of the jeep that Mr. Sober was driving and directed traffic on the busy boulevard so that we could get a decent spot, and we entered with zero incident. Kelly, the bartender, seemed to anticipate our arrival and he had my martini already prepared. A perfect 4 to 1 mixture of Bombay and vermouth with a twist of lemon and no olive. I downed it at once to prevent any further mishaps of rage and vertigo. We sat in the corner and ordered. It was a fantastic meal of appetizers (that's all I ever get there...it's all I need) and booze. I had my Martinis, the Sharkman had Tanquerey and Tonics, The Tank had Pinot Grigio and Mr. Sober had diet Pepsi. We ordered Calamari, Bruschetta, Nachos with Guac and some soup. A great time was had, even if I was over served. We returned home so that we could continue the party, meet up with my wife (who also had to work) and watch the ball drop in Times Square.
When we returned to the pad I immediately broke out the gin, as it had been 20 minutes since my last drink and once you really get going the tendency is to keep it up till you can't stand. Unfortunately, there didn't appear to be any mixer, at least any mixer that I wanted, so I began drinking the gin straight with only a couple of ice cubes. Everyone else was drinking Champagne. Wisely I had bought a case plus some at cost-co in preparation for the festivities. The rest of the evening went exactly as you might expect from a gathering of the too much fun club, including the champagne cork battle at the end of the evening. As a side note, those sons a bitches hurt when they hit you. To bed at around 3:30 and up again at ten...it sucks but I had to work. Thank God I work at a place where the coffee flows like water.